The Things, ranked

It’s clobberin’ time

Here’s the Thing

I haven’t seen Fantastic Four: First Steps yet. Despite the checkered history of Fantastic Four movies, I’m actually looking forward to it, because of the surprisingly positive reviews and because of a recently found fondness for the Fantastic Four (I was more of an X-Men and Spider-Man kid growing up).

That fondness comes from reading Jonathan Hickman’s Fantastic Four run a few years ago, after a lengthy and passionate recommendation campaign by my pal and former Polygon colleague Joshua Rivera. It’s one of the best and most ambitious comic runs I’ve ever read, and I can’t recommend it highly enough: It’s a bold sci-fi story with endless twists and turns, strong character beats, and fascinating complications of the genius savior narrative.

First Steps looks pretty heavily influenced by Hickman’s Fantastic Four, which makes me equally excited and cautious about the movie. As much as I love the comic run, it’s hard to imagine its scale and ambitions translating to live action.

But that’s nothing new for the Fantastic Four: translating to live action has long been a problem for one of Marvel’s flagship teams. So let’s grade various prior iterations on a very important category: how they did by my boy Benjamin Grimm, aka The Thing.

There are a few important factors for a quality version of The Thing. He has to be big and blocky, but feel like a tangible part of the world. He has to be funny, but with a palpable inner sadness and rage (the great Jack Kirby, who likewise had a rough childhood and wasn't afraid to use his fists to fight fascists, modeled much of The Thing’s personality and backstory after his own). He’s not the smartest member of the team, but he often has the strongest drive to do the right thing. He is the definition of a tough exterior/soft interior character. He's also Jewish, which became canon after Kirby passed, but seems to have always been the idea. That doesn't come up in any of the movies (as far as I remember), but it's an important part of the character to me personally. (As far as I can tell, Ebon Moss-Bachrach is the first Jewish actor to play The Thing in live action – while not a requirement, it does earn bonus points from me there).

In my research, I’ve also found that each Thing is wearing something different, so we’ll note that, for science. I’m not including Ebon Moss-Bachrach’s version from First Steps because I feel like I can’t give it a fair evaluation without seeing the movie. But if you’ve seen it and have an opinion, let me know in the comments.

With that all laid out, let’s get into it.

1. The Thing from the 2005 + 2007 Tim Story movies

Played by: Michael Chiklis
Wearing: Pants

Rock solid: Michael Chiklis is a fantastic actor who brings a lot of heart, humor, and emotional depth to the role. In a troubled pair of movies, he is the standout bright spot, and seems like he was kind of born to play the character. The practical effects (foam latex suit, prosthetic make-up, actor-driven mechanical hands) are also largely quite effective. (Chiklis had a similar experience to Ciarfalio – the suit was extremely hot to wear).

Hard rock life: Chiklis is the best part of these movies, so we have to nitpick. But if we’re nitpicking, I’ll say the suit looks a little too smooth and not as rock-like as I’d want, and the end result looks a little too human for me. I can see the argument to play up the character’s emotional beats, but I’d argue his monstrous appearance is crucial to those beats fully landing.

2. The Thing from the unreleased 1994 Fantastic Four movie

Played by: Michael Bailey Smith (Ben Grimm and the voice of The Thing); Carl Ciarfalio (in the suit)

Wearing: Briefs

Rock solid: Another bright spot in a mess of a movie, former football player Bailey Smith’s frame and demeanor makes the character a gentle giant even before the transformation, and he’s the shoulder Reed cries on. The rocky, rubber suit (complete with a motorized head for mouth movements) looks good within the context of the cheesy B-movie style of the Roger Corman-produced movie and in general, the effects work is surprisingly effective for how cheap the rest of the project looks. This Thing also looks a bit more monstrous than in most other adaptations, which sets up the more effective emotional beats of a very silly movie.

Hard rock life: Despite hiring a former offensive lineman to play Ben Grimm, the end result is a Thing who is … surprisingly small? The 6’4” Bailey Smith couldn’t fit in The Thing suit, so 6’2” stuntman Carl Ciarfalio shared the role with him, Hulk-style. (Ciarfalio called the suit the “hottest fucking thing I’ve ever been in.”) It takes a lot out of the character when The Thing is two inches shorter than Grimm. This Thing also briefly turns human again when a woman says he loves him, but when the two seemingly actually get together later, he remains his rocky self. Not really sure what to make of that!

3. The Thing (Marvel Rivals)